


I read it in a book (I wrote), therefore it must be true.

by sweetNsimple



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angel/Demon Sex, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Celestial joining of cosmic energy, Established Relationship, M/M, No physical sex, Non-Sexual Intimacy, let me explain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19253956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetNsimple/pseuds/sweetNsimple
Summary: “Crowley,” he said later that night in the backroom of his shop, him and the demon lounging with wine.  “I read the most peculiar thing today.”  Which was true.  He had read it afterward to make certain there were no errors.  “Did you know that sex has been defined as ‘The joining of two beings to achieve mutual pleasure’?”Crowley frowned at him in that unique way of his, a cross between surprised and You’re Full Of Shit.  He took a long draw from his glass.  “Sounds fake,” he finally admitted, to which Aziraphale sputtered and proclaimed that Crowley should have more faith in him.  “I’m in.”





	I read it in a book (I wrote), therefore it must be true.

Merriam-Webster defined “sex” as _sexually motivated phenomena or behavior_ , which, Aziraphale thought, was a rather poor way to describe a word by using the word itself.  However, by means of the distinction “sexual intercourse” and then utilizing the synonym “ _coitus_ ”, he had found this: _Physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements_.

This was familiar enough.  Aziraphale had experimented with such activities earlier in his eternal existence and had, regretfully, gained nothing from it, nor ever experienced this highly prized “sexual attraction” that was so popular in steamy classics.  He would forever miss Oscar Wilde, nonetheless. 

Having engaged in sexual intercourse in the past, it might seem strange that Aziraphale was just now skulking through his encyclopedias and dictionaries to find a definition.  It should be known that he was looking for _the_ definition.  He was looking for, not an understanding of a human behavior he already understood, but an excuse to use it to his own end.  Perhaps he would have eventually found this very specific definition had he kept looking or braved the internet (a dangerous pastime for any being), but it was just after he set aside the third dictionary that he paused and had a revelation.

He snapped his fingers and made it so. 

“Crowley,” he said later that night in the backroom of his shop, him and the demon lounging with wine.  “I read the most peculiar thing today.”  Which was true.  He had read it afterward to make certain there were no errors.  “Did you know that sex has been defined as ‘ _The joining of two beings to achieve mutual pleasure’_?” 

Crowley frowned at him in that unique way of his, a cross between surprised and You’re Full Of Shit.  He took a long draw from his glass.  “Sounds fake,” he finally admitted, to which Aziraphale sputtered and proclaimed that Crowley should have more faith in him.  “I’m in.”

That pulled the angel up short.  His smile was dazzling.  “I am so glad to hear that, my dear.  I _do_ …  Well.  I do love you.”  Hell and Heaven did not burn down his shop in the seconds he waited afterward for an explosive reaction.  Breathing a sigh of relief, he put his own glass aside and grasped the demon’s free hand in both of his.  The wily serpent looked decidedly uncomfortable with his admission, regardless that they had been open about their feelings in the past ten years since the Armageddon That Wasn’t.  “Shall we, then?”

“We shall,” Crowley agreed, and stood up.  “Where do you want to do this?” 

“My bedroom, please.  I feel that the first time should always be done in a soft, welcoming bed.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

It would be later that a flash of light so blinding erupted from the windows of Aziraphale’s bookshop and upstairs apartment that individuals wandering through the late night stopped and drunkenly pondered why the sun had given such a quick hello and goodbye.

~::~

Adam Young, now a young adult, came through the door with the Them close behind. 

“Sorry, we’re closed,” Aziraphale said immediately.

The Anti-Christ smiled benevolently.  “It’s alright.  We’re not here to buy books.”

“Oh.”  The angel smiled in turn.  “Then, please, do come in.”

“Why have a bookshop if you’re not going to sell your books?” Pepper asked.  “Why not just get a big enough house to keep them all in where you don’t have to share them?”

“It’s a point of pride, really,” he admitted with great pride.  “If I kept them all in a house, then I would have to invite others over to see them.  That is just too much work.”

“That’s a bit silly,” whispered one of the other young men, but Aziraphale did not see who it was.

“Could we please speak to Crowley?” Adam asked, staring right at him.

Aziraphale, who had forgotten this particular trait of the Anti-Christ, turned red all the way from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.  “Certainly,” he choked.  “Let me…. Go get him.  Somewhere else.  You see, he is _not_ … anywhere close by, not at all.  I will just…”

Adam stared after him, amused and also very horrified. 

Pepper came to his side.  “What was that about?”

“My godparents are having sex right now,” he told her.  “I will never be able to unsee it.”

“They were having sex?  But Aziraphale was alone!  Fully dressed.”

“He’s not human.  _They’re_ not human.  I don’t think they do all the messy parts of human sex.  I think they do all the… messy parts of cosmic sex.”  At least, that was what it had looked like. 

From the backroom came a flash of light and a burst of heat.  A moment later, Crowley swaggered out, unrepentant and smug.  Aziraphale’s absence was immediately noted by Adam and the Them.  “Needed me for something?”

~::~

It worked like this.

Essentially, if you took away the Hell and Heaven-issued human bodies, all that was left was shapeless cosmic energy that could cause the average human’s brain to boil and drip out of their ears after one glimpse of Organic Divinity.  Humans would never be able to comprehend the shape and color of the Divine for the same reason that they were vehemently jealous of mantis shrimp.  To put it as simply as possible, it all came down to what humans could see of the electromagnetic light spectrum. 

Fun fact, mantis shrimps have eyes containing twelve color receptors, which allows them to see the Divine in their unfiltered, unaltered forms.  This is much more than the human eye’s three.  It should be dutifully noted, however, that humans get their petty revenge on the smug little bastards by eating them.

What all of this meant for Crowley and Aziraphale was that they were beings of cosmic energy carefully squeezed into plastic containers.  This is akin to trying to push an ocean into a single water bottle, though marginally more successful.  When done with care and great devotion, their oceans could merge.

~::~

“Mmmm,” Aziraphale hummed.  He laid fully dressed on his rarely-used mattress, eyes shut and hands peacefully folded over his chest.  A bright glow was emitting from his belly.  He smiled hazily.  He turned carefully onto his front so that his wings could push out of his back and stretch to either side of the room.  It felt very much like his insides were basking in warm, fluffy sunlight.  Somewhere, distantly, like the gentle tug of comfortably cool waves on the beach, pure comfort lapped at his innermost core.  When he achieved maximum nirvana, his Divine nature escaped his Heaven-issued body and nearly set his bed on fire. 

“Oh, but that _is_ nice,” he breathed as Crowley manifested above him and flopped over to the side, also fully clothed.

“We have to move,” the demon said, more boneless than usual.  “Somewhere isolated, y’know?  Humans are startin’ to ask what’s going on with the bright, flashing lights all week long.”  He gave the angel a pointed look.

“Well, I can’t help it!”

“Not sure I want you to,” the demon admitted. 

They pondered this.

“Well…”  Aziraphale cleared his throat.  “I would be… content with relocating to somewhere away from others as long as there is room for all of my books.”

“And room for my plants,” Crowley bargained.  If he gave them to someone else to raise, they’d go soft on the green bastards.  Probably wouldn’t talk to the demon’s plants at all.  That wasn’t the way of things. 

“It’s a deal,” the angel announced.  His smile was blinding.  “I do hope we live near an ocean.  That would be rather nice.”

“Humans will think we’re a lighthouse if we don’t get you under control.”

“ _Me_?” Aziraphale exclaimed.  “You’re as much to blame as I am.  Do not worry, though.”  He wrapped Crowley up in a soft, warm hug.  It brought their human bodies as close together as they could get without blending their celestial energies.  “I like it.  Very.  Much.”

Crowley decided right then and there that, wherever they moved, they should invest the most in tinted windows and a very comfortable bed.  Maybe they could stay in it for a century or two.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I adore reading about these two lovebirds getting down and dirty, but I also have to admit that they really aren't limited to their physical bodies. So what if bumping their human bodies together just doesn't cut it compared to actually just intermingling their entire cosmic beings? Just a thought. I honestly couldn't figure out how to term it in the tags.


End file.
